A Genuine Sorry… It’s Up To YOU!

Last year I attended what I consider to be the most outstanding seminar on relationships by a gentleman named Bruce Sullivan. The following is an article I just received via email and I felt immediately compelled to share, enjoy

Hi and welcome to our next offering for 2010 and as always a special welcome to those who have just joined us on this irregular dose of inspiration!

The long list of public figures that continue to face the media with their public apologies seeking our forgiveness continues to grow. Fergie, Duchess of York, being the latest. Most of you have probably heard about her $500,000 deal with an undercover reporter to provide access to her ex-husband and of course the subsequent and very public apology on Oprah.

Now please let me remind us all that no one is perfect. In fact as soon as I find the perfect relationship and I join it… well it can’t be perfect anymore because I’m in it!

So what of the apology? Have they lost meaning or have we simply forgotten how to forgive?

If someone offers you an apology, what do you offer in return? If for example a child apologises for doing something wrong and the parents immediate response is “Well so you should be! That’s the fifth time I’ve asked you to put the lid on the milk! How many times do I have to tell you? I’ve told you once… I’ve told you one thousand times. Put the lid on and put it away! Now look at this ridiculous mess you made! Huh? Huh? Huh?”

In this example, I am sure the child genuinely wanted to apologise so they could both get on with their lives together. I’m confident the child did not intend to spill the milk! All this child needed to their apology was a thank you, forgiveness and some help cleaning up the milk!

The truth is you only ever get a genuine sorry from someone when they are guaranteed that forgiveness is imminent. If the person apologising cannot confidently know that forgiveness is theirs, then you will only get a rhetorical and somewhat guarded apology.

In the example, this parent will have just taught this child that saying sorry to them is a dangerous waste of time. If the person knows that after they apologise there will be either a lecture or litigation, then there will be no real healing but rather a greater divide created between the two parties and the chance for genuine intimacy is decreased.

Are you teaching people to offer you rhetorical, guarded and insincere apologies or does being in a relationship with you mean that you accept my imperfections? That whilst living with the paradox of healthy high expectations of each other, do you still offer me forgiveness, problem solving and support when I stuff it up or do you offer criticism, lecture or litigation?

It’s your call! What will you do the next time an apology is on the table?

Enjoy the journey.

Warm regards

Bruce

(Article reproduced with the permission of BruceSullivan.com)